I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been looking at porn again lately. I relapsed. And it bugs me. I wish it wasn’t like this… I thought that confession was supposed to bring freedom. At least that’s the first thing my campus pastor and any other church leader always said to me.. If confession is supposed to bring freedom, then why the hell am I still stuck here? I’ve confessed this same sin over and over to many, many people… and still I don’t see the “freedom” coming…
Kind of makes me doubt the power of this “Holy Spirit” that they’ve always talked about it (even thought I’ve seen this Holy Spirit in action personally before)… And I’ve been told that that is a dangerous place to be… But then again, I’m sick of the chicanery and trickery I’ve seen being done in churches while pastors and others claim it to be “the work of the Holy Spirit”… (emotional manipulation thru music, etc, etc….)
So then… therein likes the question… What is true freedom? Do I confess my sins and ask for prayer for the millionth time hoping that they will be cleaned up… Or do I embrace my sins and say fuck confession and christianity (a dangerous proposition) because it just hasn’t seemed to work. Ignorance may be bliss, but complacency is hell on the soul..
I wish Jesus could just take my sins away. And I’ve been told he could. I believed. i believe…
But why do i seem to be stuck in a repent and repeat cycle with porn? I look at it and get a high. Then I feel like crap and I feel guilty. Then I go repent and read my bible a bit.. After that– maybe a few days later or weeks later.. I go look at porn again… I don’t want too… I want it to quit…
Truth is… I just wish that this habit would go away. And that sin never entered the world…
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20 March, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Porn addiction is tough and problematic for a lot of folks your age. Catholic Archbishop Flynn wrote a pastoral letter about the problem of pornography in the US - it is a $13B a year industry… That is right, BILLION. 13 of em! 80% of men in the 18-25 demographic admit to looking at it once a month or more.
Not very encouraging is it? Also a good sign that you are human and suffering from the same difficulties a lot of guys are.
I know I had the same issues you describe… And it was NOT easy.
As a Catholic I began to go to weekly confession to the same confessor and began going to daily Mass. It has absolutely made all the difference to me.
Have you ever considered becoming Catholic?
Hang in there, keep praying, do not give up on yourself. Christ never would, you should not either.