Fantasmareverie's Weblog

i’ve been doing some thinking part 2…

fantasmareverie — Sun, 18 May 2008 05:18:39 +0000

first off… to the person who responded to my last post.. thank you. I’m always up for a discussion. And I didn’t mean to say that all masons were bad people (nor are all masons good people), but I have questions and concerns myself… As for my grandfather… he was a good man with an eye for intellect (I loved playing hangman and doing crosswords with him when i was just a child) who had a short temper at times. He died of prostate cancer 12 years ago now, and I still miss him. As for my great grandfather, he was a sicko who raped his own step-daughter in the onset days of WWI. Both of them were active members in 33 degree freemasonry. Which type of character should I believe that masons have? What leader do *they* follow? God? Is their God lucifer, like it says here:

http://www.isaiah54.org/freemasonry.html

well, I’ve been doing some thinking…

fantasmareverie — Thu, 01 May 2008 00:41:29 +0000

got a job now. working at the holiday inn express. Job sucks, but it’s better than no job because money is better than no money.

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about that pastor of that church I used to go to, and his accusations about me being into witchcraft…. which wasn’t (me being into witchcraft) true… But part of me now, after talking with my friend Clay wonders if he might of been right in sensing spiritual issues and generational curses issues going on inside of me…. and because of that, he accused me of being into witchcraft… Not sure if I even believe in generational curses and soul ties… but I’m not ready to dismiss them.

But here’s what I know.. My grandfather, and my great grandfather on my dad’s side were both 33 degree Scotish Rite Masons… And I think their may be some issues and curses from there that need to be dealth with, and I have been dealing with… I used to think of freemasonry as a dying social organization from a different era that was made up of good people who did good works for society unable to adapt to new social conditions, but after doing a bit of reading, I’ve becoming more and more convinced that it’s a cult… and a devil-worshiping cult at that… All their weird passwords, secret codes, initiation ceremonies, and such… Ecch… And Albert Pike? Can someone say pervert!

Maybe I should go back over to that church and that pastor and clear up the air. Or call the counselor I talked to from there before I left and ask him what he knows about freemasonry. But I’m too afraid of being hurt again…. Oh well. He’s off to Minnesota now…. (I still watch their sermons online- they started putting them up shortly before I left) or bouncing back and forth. Whatever. I miss a lot of the people there, but I’m still hurting, and very bitter–partly because i feel that something had been robbed from me. I know I need to forgive. I have a friend who is a youth pastor in the twin cities… different church than were he’s going, though…

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Now playing: Deftones – Hole in the Earth
via FoxyTunes

so Barack and Hillary are having a “faith conference”…

fantasmareverie — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 09:20:11 +0000

edit: Completely unrelated to post, but what the hell happened to the “foxy tunes” button that used to be as part of this typing box? I liked that feature. Anyways, I’m listening to a bit of Marshall Mclean… Redefine It..

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http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080411/pl_nm/usa_politics_religion_dc

First off, I am a supporter of Barack Obama. Interesting to note that their having this conference, and the fact that Hillary is coming, and McCain is not… especially with her accusations towards the “religious right” a few years ago… It seems that she’s realizing those words have come back to haunt her now that it’s election year, and she’s trying to do something about it. Obama, however… from my angle, doesn’t have that problem. He may be from a very liberal denomination (the Church of Christ), but unlike Hillary’s name-calling in the past, Obama has made efforts to reach out to Christians in various denominations, both liberal and conservative- and that shows he’s willing to listen. Whenever he has said something in the past that might be construed as negative by a few they were only in response to accusations that had come at him from others, and when he spoke to the heart of the issue, his words were never condemning or sub-culture bashing.

So even though their views are similar, this is one main difference from my point of view: Where Hillary put up a wall, Obama built a bridge. I hope to see his bridge get stronger… and good luck to Hillary, too. She’s going to need a bulldozer to tear that wall down.

Food Stamps…

fantasmareverie — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 04:00:30 +0000

I’ve been on food stamps for a few months now. While I would much rather have a job and money to buy my grocieries, I currently don’t have that. So Food Stamps have become somewhat of a neccessity. Their a good thing, but I hope I wont have to be on them for too much longer… But at least they are there. Most of the time, I’m fine with the food stamp system, but yet I find a few things perplexing and confusion… mostly in relation to the commonly-accepted “no ready-made foods” rule…

I can not get fried chicken from a grocery store deli. Nor can I get fried chicken originally cooked in the deli that has been placed in refrigerated display case. But I can get fried chicken pre-cooked from banquet or other frozen food manufacturers in the frozen food section and refrigerator case.

I can not get ready-made sandwiches from the deli. But I can get Oscar Mayer Lunchables (every kind, including the ones with sandwiches), and I can get smuckers un-crustables..

I can not get macaroni or potato salad from the deli. But I can get pre-packaged macaroni or potato salad from Reesers or other national brands.

I can not get doughnuts from the bakery inside a grocery store. But I can load up on all the ho-hos, zingers, twinkies, and ding-dongs that I want, along with all the candy bars and grocery store ice-cream that I can handle…

Who the hell makes these rules anyways?

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Now playing: Band of Horses – The Great Salt Lake
via FoxyTunes

tomorrow, tomorrow is only a day away…

fantasmareverie — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 00:47:04 +0000

went out to Super 8 hotel today because last time I was out there the manager mentioned I should come back “next wednesday”, and “next wednesday” just happened to be today becuase I thought I would have an interview…. Turned out that was a yes, and a no…

The yes part… I do have an interview. The no part…. It wasn’t today. I went in and talked to the manager briefly. Turned out that she lost my job application, but that she was glad I stopped in because she wanted to get a-hold of me for an interview. She couldn’t give me one right then because they were undergoing an inspection at the moment, but she told me to come back “tomorrow at 10:30 AM).

So now…Tomorrow, I have an interview. And hopefully, God willing, a job.

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Now playing: David Crowder Band – Everything Glorious
via FoxyTunes

Twelve Years..

fantasmareverie — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 00:42:40 +0000

This past Monday (24 March, 2008) was 12 years to the date that my grandpa passed on. I still miss him sometimes. We used to go on walks together sometimes and he played a lot of checkers and hangman with me. He taught me how to play hangman- and checkers. I also remember he used to always have a bag of peanuts salted-in-shell in the glovebox of his old rusted out pick-up truck… sometimes they were stale, other times not. Occasionally he would forget to make sure his door was shut and latched before he took off down the highway, so sometimes his door would come flying open when we would go thru the Big Hole canyon…

Rest in peace. I’ll see you in heaven. Someday.

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Now playing: David Crowder Band – The Glory of It All
via FoxyTunes

taffy

fantasmareverie — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 07:21:31 +0000

I love taffy. Have ever since I was a little kid. You can bend and mold it into any (almost any) shape that you wish, and you can combine two pieces of taffy to form interesting flavors (peach cinnamon, for example..) Good stuff…

My grandma and grandpa used to always get it whenever they would go thru Salt Lake City on their trips back from San Francisco or where ever else they went. Their house was always full of candy and sweets and treats such as jelly beans and peppermints and other goodies… but she’d (our grandma) would always watch the amount that she would let us have at one time so we didn’t get sick and we still had room for dinner. Taffy, though- was an exception… For some reason, she believed that the salt water made taffy healthy, and we could have all we wanted…

If only that (taffy being healthy) were true…

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Now playing: Alanis Morissette – Ironic
via FoxyTunes

more confessions… part 2

fantasmareverie — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 05:46:36 +0000

speaking of confessions, my dad came to town again on Tuesday. Pretty much fucked up my whole day… My sister told him her recital was on Tuesday, so he came over, as did our uncle… Larry, or Larrcifer, as we like to refer to him… He behaved himself, but some of the signs and things I read in between the lines gave me the impression that he really hasn’t changed…especially his controlling tendicies. I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself at one point, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to be with him and my mom at the same time at all… but i wasn’t about to leave her alone with him since she bashed her leg in a few days ago…

note: my parents divorced over 2 1/2 years ago, and I have not been together with both of them at the same time since May of 2005 until just this week… And I was trying to keep that going. Because prior experiences I always had is that one on one they would behave… and i could deal. But put them together, and one would attack the other. And I just did not like that situation…

I don’t like him. But I don’t hate him either. If he’s still fucked up, I wish it would just come out in the open (again)

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Now playing: Staind – Right Here
via FoxyTunes

confessions…

fantasmareverie — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 05:28:03 +0000

I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been looking at porn again lately. I relapsed. And it bugs me. I wish it wasn’t like this… I thought that confession was supposed to bring freedom. At least that’s the first thing my campus pastor and any other church leader always said to me.. If confession is supposed to bring freedom, then why the hell am I still stuck here? I’ve confessed this same sin over and over to many, many people… and still I don’t see the “freedom” coming…

Kind of makes me doubt the power of this “Holy Spirit” that they’ve always talked about it (even thought I’ve seen this Holy Spirit in action personally before)… And I’ve been told that that is a dangerous place to be… But then again, I’m sick of the chicanery and trickery I’ve seen being done in churches while pastors and others claim it to be “the work of the Holy Spirit”… (emotional manipulation thru music, etc, etc….)

So then… therein likes the question… What is true freedom? Do I confess my sins and ask for prayer for the millionth time hoping that they will be cleaned up… Or do I embrace my sins and say fuck confession and christianity (a dangerous proposition) because it just hasn’t seemed to work. Ignorance may be bliss, but complacency is hell on the soul..

I wish Jesus could just take my sins away. And I’ve been told he could. I believed. i believe…

But why do i seem to be stuck in a repent and repeat cycle with porn? I look at it and get a high. Then I feel like crap and I feel guilty. Then I go repent and read my bible a bit.. After that– maybe a few days later or weeks later.. I go look at porn again… I don’t want too… I want it to quit…

Truth is… I just wish that this habit would go away. And that sin never entered the world…

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Now playing: Kanye West – We Don’t Care
via FoxyTunes

week

fantasmareverie — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 23:24:43 +0000

My sister’s going to sing in the student union building tomorrow around noon, and i’m going to do easter egg dying after that across the campus. Passion play and pizza party friday night, too… fun.

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Now playing: Nightwish – The Poet and the Pendulum
via FoxyTunes